Page 50 - Volume 14 Number 4

WORDSOFWITSDOM
Pilots and Non-pilots
by DANA OXLEY
Pilots are lucky. Pilots can fly.
Non-pilots can fly, too, but trust me, it’s not the
same thing.
Like most of you, I’ve flown both ways. They are vaguely
similar in a couple of ways, maybe, but ...
... cigars will not be issued.
Just to be clear, I do not mean to imply in any way that all non-pilots are, by default, inherently unlucky people. A moment’s thought would reveal that this is simply not true. Every single pilot reading this was at one time a non-pilot who was “lucky” enough to become a pilot!
There it is. Your concrete proof that luck is a fickle mis- tress, indeed.
We’ve all heard the old adage, “The harder I work, the luckier I get.” That’s especially true for pilots.
For example, here’s some “luck” for you: pilots are extremely lucky that their heads don’t just straight-up explode from cramming all that knowledge about airframes, and systems, and control surfaces, and speeds, and laminar flow, and forces of gravity, and lift, and thrust, and drag, and navigation, and weather and just over 100 million other little things.
All of this is complicated by, “Will I ever be able to not roll my eyes the next time my instructor says that stupid thing which I know for sure is wrong?”, or “How would it affect my weight and balance if I was to just slyly open his door and briskly roll this baby into a hard right bank?”
All of these are thoughts which, over time, come to be deeply and irrevocably packed inside each of those billions
48 ■ COPA Pilot
of itty-bitty, landlord brain cells with “SPACE FOR RENT” signs hanging in their microscopic windows, which have established permanent residence within the luxurious confines of each and every one of your thirsty craniums.
Yes-siree-bob, pilots sure are some lucky sons of guns.
Anyway, enough discussion about being lucky. If you thought all this talk about being lucky meant today was your lucky day, well ... you’re out of luck.
On the other hand, as luck would have it, today we’re going to do an admittedly informal, non-scientific, comparative analysis to illuminate some of the finer points which differentiate those individuals who hold valid, hard-earned, FAA airman certificates of various kinds, and the rest of humanity.
For example, your typical, run o’ the mill non-pilot can often be overheard proudly boasting to his or her companions about things such as, “Last week, I flew to Buffalo to tell the mayor he’d seem a whole lot smarter if he’d only change the name of the city from “Buffalo” to “Bison.” Or, perhaps something akin to, “Hey guys! I flew home last Tuesday because my sister’s cousin’s Aunt Larry’s favorite feral cat had puppies!”
Ummm ... no; no, you didn’t.
You didn’t “fly” anywhere, bubbaloo. If we’re being honest, your inaccurately bragging vocal chords were flown to Buffalo, so the mayor could roll his eyes in stunned con- descension behind your back, in exactly the same way that your baby-blue peepers were flown home to marvel in shocked amazement at your sister’s cousin’s Aunt Larry’s cat’s puppies, by a pilot.
MAY 2019